ST10: Nemesis Breadbox Edition
by netrat
Summary: Or should that be ST10: Attack of the Clones? Anyway, here's the latest Star Trek Movie in a nutshell. Enjoy! FINISHED.


**Star Trek 10: Nemesis – Breadbox Edition (7/4/03)**

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Enterprise Crew or anyone else that might pop up. The title "Breadbox Edition" is from Evadne's stories._

_This is a summary of ST10:Nemesis, written by someone who is a moderate fan of Star Trek, but not necessarily of ST:TNG. Therefore, hardcore fans might not enjoy this – I'm just warning you. I should also like to mention that I've seen this film in a foreign language, so some expressions might not be the original ones. I'm translating as best as I can. Finally, some of the events might not be in chronological order, either because of dramatic effect or because I don't care. So mary-sue me._

A very Star Wars-like crawl announces the title:

**Star Trek 10: Attack of the Clones**

Oh, wait ... wrong movie.

The film starts with a Romulan Senate meeting.

Audience:

Okay, in the Sixties, they needed to use all the costumes they could get. Hence the surprisingly big 

number of planets that happened to have evolved exactly like Earth. But this Rom(ul)an Empire deal is ridiculous.

Romulan Praetor:

Veni, vidi, vici. Let us spread the glory of Rome-ulus throughout the wor-, uh, 

galaxy. Anyone seen any good gladiator fights lately?

Senate Members:

We are the top politicians of the biggest race of back-stabbers in the galaxy. That would seem to make

 us pretty alert. Look, there's someone leaving an obvious bomb device lying around! What should we do?

Writers:

Just ignore it.

Senate:

Okay.

The Senate gets blown up and a Reman named Shinzon takes over.

Writers:

We hope you really like Picard and Data.

Me:

We don't. We like Riker and Worf.

Writers:  
Too bad, because as in Star Trek 9, Stewart [Picard] and Spiner [Data] 

are the only actors here with more than three lines.

Me:

Remember how Star Trek 9 sucked? Not that I'm implying anything ...

Picard is giving speeches at Riker and Troi's wedding.

Audience:

Ugly is too mild a word for the uniforms on display here.

Picard:

Troi and Riker are transferring to the Triton. Thank you, 

Deanna, for having been my conscience.

Audience:

His conscience is transferring to the Triton? _That's_ a calming thought.

Picard:

Data will take over as First Officer.

Audience:

Either super-intelligent Science Officer First Officers are a Starfleet 

tradition, or they just have to reduce their staff.

The Enterprise catches a signal coming from an Android on a planet, which is inhabited by humanoids in a pre-Warp zivilisation.

Audience:

That could be a trap. Maybe Lore is waiting for them.

Writers:  
Lore who?

Picard, Worf, and Data fly a shuttle down without checking whether anyone is there to see them.

Picard:

Prime Directive what?

They find an android in six pieces, the head being the last one (for suspense purposes). It looks exactly like Data – or Lore.

Writers:

Lore who?

Picard, Data, and Worf are chased in goofy dune buggies by the planet's inhabitants. They escape and, back at the Enterprise, assemble the Android.

Crusher:

*making gooey-eyes at the Android* Oh Data, all in all, I think

 your eyes are more beautiful.

Data:

Excuse me, Doctor, we look identical.

Crusher:

Shut up. This is my only line.

Starfleet Admiral Janeway:

Picard, the new Romulan Praetor Shinzon wishes to talk to the Federation. 

Since we have only one ship, the job is yours.

Picard:

On our way.

He orders _Earl Grey Tea, hot _from the replicator and pretends to drink from an obviously empty cup.

Patrick Stewart:

You thought I'd actually taste the yucky stuff?

Picards waits for seventeen hours (!) at the edge of the neutral zone with a ship full of women and children (!) without raising the shields (!!). A gorgeous Warbird, Shinzon's _Scimitar_, arrives.

Riker:

Captain, a huge-ass Warbird piloted by our enemies, that makes the Enterprise look tiny 

and even uglier than normally, has just arrived. Should we raise the shields?

Picard:

Uh, do we really have to? Well, okay.

Praetor Shinzon invites Picard and his crew over. The Remans, by the way, are a people enslaved by the Romulans.

Worf:

Captain, he's human.

Audience:

You can tell just by looking at him in a dimly-lit room? 

Why couldn't he be a Betazoid or a Vulcan? For that matter, have you ever

seen a Reman? Who says they don't look humanoid?

Shinzon seems particularly interested in Troi, having never seen a human woman before. He's also a clone of Picard, for anyone who hasn't seen the trailer. 

Picard:

I am very surprised.

Audience:

Yes, too bad that Starfleet gave you a detailed description of his

military career, but forgot to mention _that_ little fact.

Shinzon and Picard have a talk under four eyes.

Shinzon:

Tell me about my ancestors. Are all the Picards boring and self-righteous people 

who call their subordinates "Number One" instead of their names?

Picard:

No, that's just me. I'm also the first explorer in the family. No, we are not warriors.

Audience:

Right. Holding diplomatic negotiations with the Federation's worst 

enemy is what explorers do. Couldn't be the military's job.

Picard:

Shut up! Just because I command Starfleet's flagship doesn't mean I'm in the military!

Audience:

Can you spell _hypocrite_?

Worf:

H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E. *jumps up and down in excitement before disappearing* I got a line! I got a line!

Shinzon:

I want to free my enslaved people. Since that alone doesn't make me evil, 

the writers have conveniently turned me into a mass murderer as well.

Picard:

Blah blah mirror analogy blah. Don't be sure of yourself. That's _my_ job. 

Always help old ladies across the street. Also, strive to be a better human.

Shinzon:

A better _human_? I'm a Reman!

Picard:

You refuse to call yourself a human? Why, you're _evil_!

Audience:

Come to think of it, Starfleet is a pretty  speciest club. Tolerance and equality apply to 

blacks and whites, men and women – provided they are human. There really aren't many aliens on the flagship, 

for example. And I'm not talking about half-human Troi or raised-by-humans Worf or pretend-to-be-a-human Data.

Shinzon's creepy telepathic viceroy invades Troi's mind just when she's having sex with Riker.

Writers:

Nothing spells entertainment like attempted rape.

The new Android, B-4, is sort of a mentally challenged little brother figure for Data. He's also working for Shinzon and downloading Federation data. Shinzon, meanwhile, takes Picard prisoner and beams him onto the Scimitar.

Shinzon:

That's what you get for never raising the shields.

Data shows up. Geordi has given him a prototype one-person-transporter for emergencies.

Data:

Hello. For those who've never seen a movie before, 

I'm pretending to be B-4 so I can free the captain.

Audience:

Wait. How did Shinzon get his hands on an Android presumably built by Dr Soong? And why 

did he hide him in six parts on that planet? If the inhabitants are working for him and he _wanted_ Picard

 to find B-4, why did they attack the Enterprise crew?

Picard and Data flee, using the X-Wings, uh, the Scorpions aboard the Scimitar.

Picard:

I want to get us both killed. That's why I'm piloting even though I can't identify the controls.

Audience:

Good one, Captain Kirk.

Data:

Humans are stupid.

Agent Smith:

That's what I'm always saying! – Wait, isn't your greatest wish to become human?

Data:

[embarrassed silence]

Crusher:

Welcome back, Captain. Shinzon is rapidly aging and will die within a few hours

 unless you give him some blood. Why the aging process makes his brown eyes turn blue is anyone's guess.

Random Singer:

Don't you make my brown eyes blue, la la la ...

Audience:

So, it's kind of lucky that Starfleet decided to send Picard, isn't it? Or it would be if Picard _wanted_ to give Shinzon his blood.

Other Audience Members:

Hmm, rapidly aging ... Star Trek 9, anyone?

By the way, the Scimitar has a fancy new energy source suitable for mass murdering.

Shinzon:

I want to free my enslaved people from the Romulan rule. I'll do it by destroying Earth, 

so that the Federation will cease to exist and the Romulans can take over the galaxy.

Audience:

What? The Klingons wouldn't stand for that. Neither would the Vulcans.

Other Audience Members:

Besides, why would you want to make the Romulans any more powerful than they are?

Yet Another Audience Member:

I know! He _wanted_ to attack the Romulans, but Picard's lecturing 

got on his nerves, so he's turned towards Earth!

Writers:

Shut up. Science Fiction doesn't have to make sense.

The Writers get attacked by hordes of Isaac Asimov fans, who hit them over the head with hardcover editions of _Foundation_.

Shinzon:

By the way, my ship has a nifty cloaking device.

Picard:

Duh, _everybody_ but us has a cloaking device. _And_ proper weapons to boot.

The Enterprise, flying through some sort of rift preventing communication, is attacked by the Scimitar. Another Warbird, commanded by one of Shinzon's comrades-turned-traitor, comes to help. 

Audience:

So, that would be the back-stabbers back-stabbing each other.

Shinzon destroys the Romulan ship and badly damages the Enterprise. His viceroy beams aboard the Enterprise and gets punched repeatedly by Riker.

Riker:

Look, I'm Captain Kirk!

Audience:

Nah. Your wrestling partner's _male_. _And_ you're wearing your shirt.

Picard fights back, but with little success. In order to find the cloaked Scimitar, he has Troi trace the viceroy's thoughts on a monitor.

Audience:

Yeah, right. I believe that.

Troi:

Take that, rapist bastard!

Shinzon watches the viceroy trying to break the connection for a long, long time.

Audience:

Don't just sit there, master strategist! Hit him over the head or something!

Desperately, Picard crashes the Enterprise into the Scimitar. Never mind that the Scimitar's shields are at 70 % and the Enterprise's at 0 %, so the Enterprise should explode. Besides, why Shinzon doesn't just put in the reverse gear is anyone's guess. Since Picard is crashing the saucer section, which according to Star Trek 7 holds the family quarters, we'll just have to hope he's _good_ at evacuating.

Audience:

At least this strategy explains why their ships are such a funny shape.

Shinzon puts the Scimitar into reverse. Even though he has told Picard that he wants only the captain (not his out-of-date technology or his crew), Picard activates self-destruct.

Picard:

Raising the shields is for losers. Activating self-destruct is what _real men_ do.

Self-Destruction:

An error has been reported. Please press ALT + CTRL + DEL.

Audience:

Back-up systems, anyone?

Other Audience Members:

How come the Klingons, who are always punching, and the Romulans, who are 

always back-stabbing each other, design so much better ships than the peace-and-team-work-loving Federation?

Shinzon, trying to help, starts preparing for the destruction of the Enterprise. This takes some time, leaving Picard all the time he needs to beam aboard the Scimitar. There, he shoots all of Shinzon's bridge officers. Given that we've been introduced to the Remans as super-warriors, this somewhat diminuishes their credits. He then confronts the half-dead Shinzon.

Audience:

What a climatic fight: A man armed with a gun versus a half-dead boy who can't stand upright.

Data is jumping through space aboard the Scimitar.

Audience:

Plausible though it might be, that just looked ridiculous.

Shinzon dies. Data shows up and beams Picards back to the Enteprise with his previously established one-person-transporter.

Audience:

Too bad Geordi couldn't have made _two_ of the things.

Data makes the Scimitar explode and dies a heroic death, or would, if he were a living being. (Yes, I know that my view on that doesn't fit the official Star Trek line of thought. So what.)

Data fans:

Noooooo!

Brent Spiner:

Don't worry, there's a reason why I've been playing two characters for the entire movie. 

By the way, does anyone find it creepy that I've helped to script a movie that kills my character?

On the Enterprise, everybody is mourning Data. As in, _only_ Data and none of the other people killed. Suddenly, they catch a signal from the supposedly destroyed Romulan Warbird.

Romulan Commander:

We're alive. Don't worry any longer.

Picard:

We haven't even started. Uh, I mean, what a relief! We had almost given up hope!

Did I mention that at one point, Data transferred _all his memories_ into B-4? Well, there's a reason.

Picard:

Since you're the only person here who will still listen, let me now 

shove my wisdom down your throat: Strive to be a better human.

Audience:

Uh, he's not a human ... and again, isn't that kind of a speciest remark anyway?

B-4:

I am starting to sing the exact song Data performed at the wedding. In other 

words, I _am_ Data. Some work with a screwdriver and I'll be good as new!

Audience:

In other words, the writers killed the only character that has a doppelganger and is therefore easily replaced.

Riker:

*looking decidedly uncomfortable* I just hope no-one remembers Thomas Riker.

Other Audience Members:

By the way, we don't know if Data's dead. Technically, the 

Romulans could have beamed him aboard before the Scimitar exploded. Or whatever.

Writers:

Shut up, all of you. You finally got your Star Trek film starring Romulans. Be happy.

Audience:

The Romulan Empire plays absolutely no part in this! They could have been 

replaced with any other race! No-one's ever heard of the poor enslaved Remans before. And 

what about all the nifty ideas presented in _Unification 1+2_? What about Spock and 

the rebel movement? What about Tasha's daughter?

Writers:

Shut up or we'll have Picard fall in love again in Star Trek 11!

Audience:

[silence]

Writers:

See? _Told_ you they'd appreciate our script.

Love it? Hate it? Just R&R!


End file.
